We live in a culture that quietly celebrates independence… and sometimes, not-so-quietly celebrates!  The ability to manage everything on our own, no matter how heavy it feels, is often what lies behind the polished surface response we give to people of “I’m fine.”  So many of us carry more than we were meant to hold, and we are holding everything alone.

In many recovery communities, the word ‘fine’ is often used as an acronym (and a bit of wry humour) that captures how people downplay or mask distress. Here FINE stands for = Fed up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional**

THE MYTH OF STRENGTH

Most of us have grown up with the message that true strength means handling everything ourselves and that we have failed if we can’t ‘keep it all together.’  Most of us do not even realize that we have learned to push down and hold our breath through hard things.

Refusing to ask for help when you are struggling, is like refusing to put on a life jacket when the tide changes and you find yourself adrift. You might float on your own for a while, but it is exhausting and unnecessary. In this case, the support of a life jacket would not make you weaker, it would help you get back to shore.

WHERE DOES THE AUTO-PILOT RESPONSE TO “KEEP IT TOGETHER” ALONE COME FROM?

Maybe you grew up believing that strong people just know what to do. But that is like expecting yourself to speak Greek without ever learning a word of it or trying to land a plane without training. You can’t instinctively know now to navigate something you have never faced before.

Even if you have faced familiar challenges – different timing, a different context, or access to different resources all mean that what might have worked before, may not work now. And that makes sense! That is life reminding you that learning and adapting are part of growth.

Sometimes pride may whisper that if you do not do something yourself, the victory does not count. But success is not a solo journey. Reaching out does not mean you are giving up; it means you are smart enough to use every resource available. Even game shows like Who Wants to Be a Millionaire encourages its’ contestants to answer the increasingly difficult questions by using a lifeline like “Phone a Friend or “Ask the Audience.”

Perhaps growing up, you watched people in your life manage everything on their own.  Often it was because they had to. They were surviving. But that does not mean that doing it alone made them stronger. It likely made them lonely and overwhelmed. You get to choose differently.

If you once reached out and were ignored, ridiculed, or dismissed, your hesitation makes complete sense. There is a part of you that is now protecting yourself from that kind of pain again. But, let’s remember: the past is not a prophesy. The same outcome is not guaranteed just because it happened once (or even 10 times) before. Instead of learning to “never ask for help,” consider reaching out to someone different. Courageously choose people who are capable of holding you with care and respect. So, if you have ever extended your hand and someone pushes it away, that is not a sign to stop reaching. It is a sign to reach somewhere else.

Choose wisely.

When you find people who also believe that opening up, asking for help or sharing their struggles is a sign of courage – these are the people who will meet you with warmth and not judgement.

Strength is not the absence of struggle, it is the willingness to face what is hard and to let other like-minded people walk beside you while you do.

If you find yourself thinking that reaching out for help is not strong, masculine, safe, appropriate or healthy – let’s pause together and be curious about the roots of those thoughts.

• Growing up, what were the messages you received when you asked for help?
• What do you imagine might happen if you reach out for support when you need it?
• What situations in your life might benefit from an outside perspective?
• Who are the people in your life who feel safe enough to approach for support?
• What resources are available to you right now (consider personal, professional or community resources)?
• And finally, what are some ways that asking for help could show your strength, your courage, your humility, your commitment to growth, and your care for yourself and/or others around you?

**FINE – The acronym is a tongue-and-cheek way of shining a light on the discrepancy between what someone says and how they actually feel. For example, a person can insist “I’m fine,” but on the inside feel anxious or upset. When we have the courage to lean into honest emotional awareness and share with a safe person, we often get a more genuine connection instead of self-protection.